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I have been assaulted.
October 17, 2001 5:12 p.m.

Today while at the Mall shopping for a birthday present, I was ASSAULTED by the Victoria Secret lady, in a way that I fear has scarred me permanently.

Before I could even take a look at the wide array of overly-scented, over-priced items, the sales lady raced my way bearing a pot of smelly hell and a q-tip, forcing me to apply it to my hands.

As I reluctantly rubbed the "lotion" into my skin, she starting screaming in this high pitched, extremely accelerated voice, about some sort of special, which involved buying NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT SIX Victoria's Secret products.

I know. I was scared too.