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Keep on survivin.
2001-05-04 12:57 a.m.

Watching this last episode of survivor has really made me look at myself as a person.

Not because I think that the participants were extraordinary people and I am comparing myself to them. Though I think some of them were. But because seeing people judge what kind of people they are makes me look at the kind of person I am.

At the last tribal council Colby & Tina had to say why they thought they deserved a million dollars. And I thought to myself, beyond the context of that game, if someone were to say to me "I'll give you a million dollars, just tell me why you deserve it," I don't know what I'd say. I don't think I deserve a million dollars. I'm not an extraordinary person. I've never done anything even remotely self-sacrificial in my life. I've never accomplished anything great, or even worked really hard to accomplish something great, and then failed. I've never really been determined, never given more than I've taken, never sacrificed immediate gratification for something better to come. I've probably never been there when somebody needed me. And in fact someone has probably never really needed me.

I don't deserve a million dollars. And I couldn't bullshit my way into to making anyone think I did. I don't deserve a tenth of what I have.

I wouldn't say I'm a bad person, really. But I wouldn't say I'm a good person either.

Well...there's always tommorrow.