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dum, duh, dum, dum........the MANAGEMENT!
2001-04-24 11:18 p.m.

Dear Assistant Manager at my place of employment,

I have learned that you are going to be sitting across from me at work from now on, because you don't do anything and don't deserve to have an office and now you have just a desk like the rest of us. This is despite the fact that my boss promised me that you would be sitting far far away from me because you are crazy, and bi-polar. Anyway, I was wondering if you could do me a couple of favors seeing as how we are going to be sitting so closely, now.

1. When you answer the phone please say "this is" instead of just adding an s to the beginning of your name. When you just add an s to the beginning of your name people think your name starts with an s. Additionally, it annoys the fuck out of me.

2. When you are talking, could you please not use that psycho accent that sounds like you are mimicking someone who is very stupid?

3. Could you stop turning the air conditoner on when it is only 40 degrees outside? I don't like to have to type when my hands are frostbit.

4. When you talk, could you not flail your arms around dramatically? Your arms are huge and it scares me when you start heaving them around.

5. Could you stop telling me the same stories over and over again? Your stories are dumb and your voice irritates me. I would really appreciate it.

6. Please stop cackling at the top of your lungs three hundred and 65 million times a day. It is perfectly appropriate to just chuckle softly when someone says something amusing.

7. Please learn how to use your inside voice. It hurts my ears when you are constantly screeching and screaming at 490 decibels.

8. I would be ever so greatful if you would reduce your talking by about 95%. Everyone in the room does not need to know your every thought. And besides, what you have to say sounds moronic and is not helpful whatsoever in the completion of our daily tasks.

9. Could you please go home when your shift is up? When you stay 87 hours extra it annoys all of us, especially when you just sit and talk on the phone. Remember you are paid an insanely high salary and will get paid the same amount whether you are sitting around doing nothing at work, or sitting around doing nothing at home. Please go home.

10. Could you avoid talking to me at all costs? Your voice gives me a headache, and your wild hand motions scare me. I think that as a boss, frankly, you suck. I also think that you are bi-polar and suspect you may not be human. When you talk it increases my heart rate and makes me want to curl up in a fetal position in the corner.

11. Lastly, could you please trim you finger nails? They are disgustingly long, and to be perfectly honest, are extremely ugly. Have you considered how much these finger nails add to your inhuman-ness? Additionally, when you clack them noisily on the keyboard it drives me insane. Your finger nails make me feel like I am in some kind of made for TV series similar to the Faculty, only it's called the Management, and one day you are going to claw my eyeballs out with your talons, and then whip your massive arms at me, and screech in my ear until I die. I am sure you understand how that would make me feel uncomfortable. Well that about wraps it up.

Thanks for your time, and I dread working with you.

Sincerely yours,

cmyk