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A time for discarding.
11.15.04 11:34 pm

It's strange. I thought a diagnosis would somehow make me feel better. An explanation for the fatigue, depression. But really I just feel like a leper. I see myself as a leper and I feel that the world sees me as a leper. God doesn't exist, so I guess I can blame evolution. The world evolves around me as I deteriorate. Every day I see myself deteriorate further and further.
I don't know how to climb out of this black hole.
I have never felt so discarded. It's surprising and it isn't. I knew I would be. I knew it was an inevitable consequence. I will be discarded whether or not I discard first. Certainly I didn't expect it so soon.
No matter how painful love is, and sometimes it is pure misery to love and be loved. But losing that love, for whatever it was worth, is unbearably excruciating.
I
had
no
idea.
Every day I wonder if my story will have a happy ending. But every day the light is dimmed as it drifts further and further away.
I will not live a life of misery. I can't.