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You've got a friend.
October 13, 2001 6:33 a.m.

I'm trying to sleep, but I can't.

Yes, it's 6:30 a.m. and I'm pissed.

At who, You ask?

The world. Just kidding.

I'm pissed at everyone who can't just accept me for me. Actually, no. I am fucking tired of it.

"I just think it's weird to keep on online diary."

Really? Are you sure? Because that's approximately the 17th time you've told me that. What you really mean is "I think it's weird to keep on online diary, and I think you should think the same. Therefore I am going to keep repeating that statement in an effort to convince you that it really is weird."

You: "Tara, have you seen the new Mariah Carey movie yet?"

Me: "well, n....." [Interruption]

You: "Cause I just think she is such a talentless slut. she needs to put some clothes on. Her movie is really dumb, blah, blah."

Me: "Yes! I remember all this information from the EXACT SAME conversation we had last week, AND the week before, when YOU brought up the subject. Obviously it makes you uncomfortable that I am a fan and you are not, so you're going to keep bringing up just how terrible she is EVERY WEEK in an effort to convince me of it."

Me: "Hey Person A, did you catch the latest episode of SURVIVOR?"

Person A: "Yes, it was......"[Interruption]

Person B: "Ohmygod! You watch that? That show is so stupid, how can you watch it? You realize that four of the contestants from last season were on the Dating Game too, don't you? They are all frauds, they just hire models and actors....."

I know it seems silly that I should let this stuff bother me. I just feel like I'm constantly being attacked. I just wish everyone would leave me alone. I'm sensitive.

Maybe I'm making too much of this. Maybe people are just trying to make conversation. It just seems like people REPEATEDLY go out of their way to say this stuff. To me, it just seems rude.

I would never go up to someone and say, "Yeah, you know you're favorite band? Well I just think they're terrible, blah, blah...."

It bugs me so much how rude people are. It seems so high school.

No matter how much you rant to me about my political party to me, you're not going to convince me to join yours. All you are convincing me of, is that you are too wrapped in your own opinions to care about my feelings.

It's not that I think that people shouldn't talk about their opinions. I just think that people should think about others' feelings before shooting their mouth off.

No one is ever diplomatic about it, no one ever asks me why I like what I like, believe what I believe, do what I do, or for that matter even given me a chance to defend myself, without intterupting me.

And I'm sure, I've done it too.

The world is cruel enough. I just think we should be able to count on our friends, to consider our feelings every once in awhile.

Maybe I just have great expectations.

I guess the reason I don't let people get that close to me is because I'm so sensitive.

To be honest, I don't really believe in friendship. And I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. I have friends that I care about very much. But honestly I don't feel like there is anyone that really understands me, or REALLY cares about me. Everytime I let someone get close to me, they just prove to me what I knew all along; that I shouldn't let people get close to me, because they just hurt me.

Sure, I'd like to pretend that it doesn't bother me that my friends move away without saying goodbye, and then don't talk to me for two years. I don't need them anyway, right?

Well, apparantly I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be up at 7:30 in the morning writing about it because I can't sleep. P.S. I know I use the word "just" too much, but I am too tired to go back and revise, so you'll just have to make do with my poor writing skills.